Contemplating

I'm in the library. Rare, I know.

I've been sitting here trying to accomplish some homework but instead all I can do is contemplate and dwell on this mushy, wet, and cruddy day. It's so hard to sit here next to the window and look out at the oblivious people walking around campus. What am I dwelling about you might ask? Well thats simple:

1. What am I going to do with my life. I mean really I am an English major, and I don't want to change that fact however, I don't know what specific job I want at the end of my college career. I have played around with the thought of minoring in music, but the only job that comes to mind is a singer/songwriter. Don't get me wrong, thats probably the best job I could ever imagine, but think about it, realistically, it would never work out but it would be so much fun, and something I love.

2. Penfield Library is my home. This is just pathetic on so many levels. However, I don't have money nor the motivation to go out to parties to meet new people. My point? I'm lonely. Lonely in the sense that I miss my friends, but I can't go see them for lack of money, and I avoid talking to them because it only makes me depressed. All we have to say is how much we miss each other, there's not to many conversations that don't end with a frowny face. I also miss the cheesy mushy feeling of having a crush, and being crushed on. As pathetic as it sounds.

3. I need a job. I don't even think that I am gaurenteed a place at Price Chopper anymore. I might not even get any hours when I go back for fall break. This scares me because as of now... I have $40 to my name. I am freaking out.

4. Its not a nice day out.

Happiness

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run. -David Leonhardt

Yesterday I was informed by one of my extremely close friends, that I am not happy. I wonder to myself, how would this person know if I'm happy or not. He doesn't talk to me on a regular basis and when he finally did he accused me of things that have no relevance. So with that conversation burning in my mind all night, I decided to look up a definition of Happiness that best suites me and ^^^^ that is perfect.

Just so you know, I AM happy, and even though you don't like my friends and what THEY do, you need to realize that I am not them and I live my life the way I think is right, and if you think your growing up and maturing. Thats great but don't backtrack and say that I have to choose between them or you. You should be more content in our friendship to know that what we have is so much different from them. And for your information, I am not going to "fade away in Mikes garage". I am going to make something of myself. I do want to thank you though, for showing me that no matter how intelligent someone claims to be, there is still room for error, because trust me, you made a HUGE error.

I hope your "happy" with out me corrupting your perfect life.

Telephone [The Game]

Oh dear.

It's simply astounding how the human word can be contorted and its meaning demolished when conveyed down the line. Like the simple game of telephone a phrase sent down, through the ears of children.Words get jumbled and "I love you" turns into "Fuck you", and you don't know how in the world it materialized.

I think I'm turning Bi-polar.

Yes, this could be it. The moment where you realize I am all you want, all you need. Yep, I can see it now. You look at me with those big beautiful eyes of yours, like you can read my mind, like you could get lost and never have one complaint. When you reach for my hand, or slowly kiss my lips, I can see it.

I can see you and me

Living in the moment

Having nothing to lose

I can see you holding me tight

As if at any moment I could drift away

Waving good-bye as I go

I can see

That this is my fear

But as much as I want this to be true, I can see you running, far far away. Looking back briefly to see if I am still watching. Then you'd stop, and turn towards me as if you would come back; and take two steps forward but 4 steps back.

Fairytale [old]

I'm the Damned Damsel,

Cinderella has nothing on me.

I'm the villain of this fairytale,

Come Prince, come and slay me.

I am the darkness to your light.

The pain in your side.

The knife in your back

My heart is Black.

Dreams

Last night I laid in bed and encountered my first dream of you. We gravitated towards each other like a magnet to metal. The thought of those blue eyes being mine again was almost to much to handle, but then out of no where the dream shattered. My cell phone rang, dragging me helplessly through the clouded heaven back to the earthly reality of my bed, of being alone.

Its so strange that while we were together I never understood, never thought deeply into things, but now that your lost to me, I find myself aching for what we almost had. This is the consequence to my mistake, I am well aware of this fact. And don't get me wrong, I know it would never have worked out in the long run, but the thought of "what if" still flashes in my mind like a digital clock after a power outage. You were the epitome of perfection, you knew exactly how to treat a girl, your only problem was you didn't pull on my heart strings in the right rhythm.

Dreams, the moments that your mind wants you to experience. Waking up, a flash of pain, and the defogging of the clouded bliss that filled your mind seconds before.

Mr. Beetle

There's a beetle at my window. Its shell of a body slamming itself against the foggy glass. The clock screams 3:40, in about 10 minutes my time will be up, and I will have to trudge my way to work. God I wish I were that beetle at my window. He's just searching for a way out, being teased by the light of the sun and the silent wind blowing just out of reach. But his life is so simple, there is nothing entering his mind but exiting this prison he has found himself in. There is no one for him to please, he just wants to fly into the breeze and be carried off into the unknown world.

I, on the other had, will find my own prison, one of my choice. Where the constant beeping and worry of doing something horribly wrong haunts me.

God I wish I was that beetle.

Chasing

You chase me

I'll chase you

and we'll just keep running in this circle.

You stand still, your back to my face.

I'll take the hint and walk away.

You go left

I'll go right

and we'll just keep walking till we're out of sight.